User blog:Gamewizard2008/Everything Wrong With Firstborn Prequels
Welcome to another installment of “Everything Wrong With Gameverse”! Today, we’re gonna do the Firstborn Prequels, which include the one-shots and short stories! Everything Wrong With the Firstborn Prequels “Er…Nolan?” Dillon could barely speak or get up. “Yeah?” “Uh…buses…suck.” His eyes closed and he fainted. Nolan felt around for a heartbeat or a pulse. This scene is about as sad and random as when Brian died. (1) “I guess it’s true when they say that looks aren’t everything.” Danika told Chad. “Even the cute ones are being cast aside. I bet you never even found a girlfriend.” “Well, actually, I didn’t.” “I figured as much.” she replied, standing next to him. “Ever consider getting one?” she smirked. All this scene does is set up a crappy inner conflict in Chad. (2) He was silent for a moment. “…So, you are finally awake.” he said in some echoey voice. Did he even move his mouth? I (Mika) walked closer. “Awe you the one who bwought me here?” “Correct. My name is Mewtwo. And this is New Island.” Mika’s parents never told her about stranger danger. (3) No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t unfreeze him. Sonya looked worried, too, but that Lee kid didn’t seem to care TOO much. But Numbuh 362 definitely wouldn’t let it slide. And so, for that reason, she banished me from the KND. Lee is a dick to Harvey, who may possibly die of frostbite, and Rachel is a dick to Yuki, given it was an accident. (4) Eventually, I decided to run away to the coldest place I could think of, far away from those KNDorks: the North Pole. Kind of far away, isn’t it? I mean, he lives in Iceland, and we find out in Nextgen that Iceland has an Oil Ice Mountain, so why not save yourself trouble and hide there? (5) I wore only black clothing; black shirt, black pants, and black shoes. Black clothing was supposed to absorb heat, so I thought it would lessen the effect of my ice powers… but it didn’t. Why didn’t you go to a hot place to see if it would destroy your ice powers, like a volcano, or the sun? (6) “Ahhh…Boy, I tell ya, those two can be a real pain.” Fanny said. “I mean, Ah love them and all, but sometimes, they can drive me to the point of insanity!” You literally just beat the snot out of them. And all they did was accidentally give you a black eye. That’s not just insanity, that’s abuse! No wonder they hate you! (7) Meanwhile, down in the Underworld, a monster bus drove down the street to a bus stop, where four people were waiting. When the bus stopped and opened its doors for them to get in, the skeleton driver asked, “And where will you be headed?” “Oh. How about… NOT HERE!” With that, the driver gasped as Dimentia and her Magiblots dashed into the bus, beat up the driver and the passengers, and threw them off. You have to see the end of Monty’s Galactic Days to see the stupid way they escaped. (8) “YEOW!” Virginia exclaimed, gripping her butt in pain after landing hard on the cracked cement. The referee took his measuring tape and measured the length of the crack. “17 INCHES!” “OH YEAH! VIRGINIA’S THE BUTT-BUSTING QUEEN!” the goth girl screamed as the audience cheered. I think I know why we never see anyone play this again. (9) “Yeah.” Nigel replied. “What’s got them so—DANCING DIMENTIAS!” I’m glad this is the last story we hear these dumb exclamations! (10) “Uh, c-come on, Fanny!” Paddy pleaded. “Can’t we just sit down and-” “TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE I DECIDE TO EAT YA!” Can Fanny still honestly say that her brothers are the bad ones here? (11) “So, do you have the gold?” Smelling asked Ganon. “Sure. Bring it in, boys.” At this, two demonic soldiers hauled a huge chest into the room, grunting and sweating at the chest’s incredible weight. They were knocked out when they finished, and Ganondorf opened the chest to reveal a pile of gold coins and jewels. Why is Ganondorf paying these people? Why don’t he just kill them and darkify Fanny already? (12) Before the cocky raccoon’s eyes, Nolan York rolled out of the forest and in front of the Stormtroopers, facing Marine. The raccoon then noticed a shadow fly out of the forest and landed beside Nolan, becoming Danika and drawing out her daggers. The raccoon smirked and punched her Light Sphere, but the two traitors dodged, causing the Troopers to get hit. Nobody reads the 2030 Trilogy and knows who Nolan is. (13) “Danika and Nolan, return to base. Lord Gnaa has an assignment for you. It seems the Drilovsky boy has a sister he needs taken care of.” Lord Gnaa has no grudge with the Drilovskys or Kami personally. (14) “Ergh! We will come back to you in a moment. For now, please enjoy these commercial messages.” “Uh, Eva? These are KIDS watching this! NOT ADULTS!” Eva smacked her head as Kade laughed some more. The anchorwoman then used her bending to grab some water, which she used to smack Kade. “OW!” The big moral of the Firstborn Saga is not using your powers for evil. Doesn’t that still count? (15) Rather than respond, his team just gave worried glances. “What?” “Well, no offense, Numbuh 2, but your inventions haven’t exactly been…very functional as of late.” Numbuh 1 replied. The conflict of this story makes no sense as we’ve had no prior examples of Hoagie’s inventions being dysfunctional. Heck, it was his Celebi-powered inventions that allowed Numbuh 1 to attack Dimentia! (16) “You remember that cream you made to grow our hair back after it got eaten by that Cheese Lice?” Abby asked. “Numbuh 5’s head itched for weeks!” That was like a year ago! At least use a more recent example! (17) “Those Metarex guys weren’t too nice either!” Bokkun shouted. Eggman was getting angrier at his robots’ rants. “And let’s not forget!” Orbot spoke. “Your most recent fail with Dark Gaia-” But his most recent fail was with the Wisps. Because Sonic Colors happens right after GALACSIA. (18) The three boys sighed and waved their hands, pulling the gas back into their hands and making it fade. The girls took a moment to catch their breath. After recovering, Katie exclaimed, “Hey! You guys are poisonbenders!” We’ve never encountered another poisonbender, but Katie is clearly knowledgeable on the topic. Did Darkrai teach her? Why doesn’t she tell her friends about every other bender type? (19) “Hold on, isn’t she one of those Fascinating Siblings?” Leo asked, indicating Yin. Leo, the stupid member, somehow knows the “Interesting Twins.” (20) “How?!” Matt shouted. “That’s just how we got here! Every time we try to use our powers to help people, it always ends badly. Take me for example. I saved the Philippines from that gas cloud, but it ended up going to Uzbekistan! That’s when I met up with the guys here and decided to set up this secret hideout in Cleveland, Virginia. We never get more detail about this alleged gas cloud. (21) '' '' Secondly, you lived in the Philippines and ran to Virginia. Why do all these male benders feel the need to cross continents as they run away? (22) However, as Harvey was about to enter his room, he stopped when he noticed a shadowed figure sawing out part of his bedroom wall. When it finished, the figure looked around, not noticing Harvey, and leaped to the ground below. If Johnny is taking wood from Sector W’s treehouse, is Peach Creek located in Ashland, West Virginia, or even in Virginia? Because why would Johnny be seen in either location? (23) “Hoof. This is not the kind of hour I’d like for sneaking into a base.” “Well, sorry, but I had to wait until EVERYONE was asleep. Like I said, we don’t usually let adults in here.” And you inexplicably allow this adult whom you’ve only known since this morning in here. (24) Intelligence '' ''Say you’ll lead the way! Intelligence Have a sip today! We owe it all to Plaaaank! Plank 2x4 gets a musical number, and he’s only a short-term villain in Legend of the Eight Firstborn. Seriously, Plank Army, do not honor him. (25) “Wait, you’re trying to kill Kami?” Margie asked. “Yeah, so you better cooperate if you don’t wanna share the same fate.” Dani replied. Margie smirked maliciously. “She’s in her room down the hall. Her name’s labeled on it!” The two released the former girly dictator and proceeded down the hall, leaving Margie to play with her dolls. We never learn why Margie hates Kami to the point she wants her dead. (26) '' '' Also, random and pointless way to introduce Kami is random and pointless. (27) “Okay, those guys have some serious issues to work out!” Kami yelled. “I don’t think those guys would’ve taken a bounty out on you without reason.” Patton said. It practically is no reason. (28) “Well, it’s not like I did anything to them. Who are those guys, anyway, some angry FANFICTION fans??” I guess they are! (29) “Ah, here’s one! Cad Bane, of Planet Duro! Check him out!” Danika went behind Nolan and peeked over his shoulder. “Well, he looks promising.” “Yeah. It says he did work for the Sith Lords numerous times. And he’s packed with all the stuff! I say this is our guy.” “And… HOW much would he charge to go after a bunch of kids?” “I’m guessin’ a lot.” Yes, because chasing ordinary children in place of Jedi is TOTALLY more rewarding. (30) '' '' Also, why don’t Nolan and Danika just get the other Brotherhood villains to help? I’m sure Danika’s shadowbending can infiltrate Arctic Base. No need to waste Bane’s time. (31) This caught Matt’s attention. “Wait… Gnaa? Isn’t he that-” HOW does Matt know Gnaa? ! (32) “Dark Master of the Negaverse. And the key to your good fortunes.” “Wait… you want us to JOIN Gnaa’s group?” “Heh heh heh. Of course! You’d like it there! Get all the tasty free food you want. Make good use of your powers, and of course… domination.” Why does Ganon care about these four? All they do for him is help him break into DNK Arctic Base, which Ganon can easily do himself. The Toxic Four just works for the Brotherhood later. Seriously, these kids are irrelevant to Gnaa’s plan. (33) “LOOK! Do you WANT to join Lord Gnaa, OR NOT?!” “I’m in!” Leo said, coming back out. “Same here!” Elijah agreed. “What about you, Boss?” Jeremy asked. Matt put a finger on his chin in thought for a moment, and smirked. Furthermore, neither of these boys have motivation or reason to join Team Gnaa. (34) “Well, we’re hiring you right now. We’re hiring you to go after a girl named Kami. She’s a KND operative, and believe me, she’s a lot tougher than she looks.” Dani explained. Or maybe you and Nolan are completely weak and useless. Honestly, couldn’t they have thought of a better sub-plot to feature these two? (35) Dani’s expression lit up. “Wait! Did you say ‘Cosmo and Nova’?” “Yes. So?” “As in, Cosmo of Pumparia and Nova of Harnita?” Nolan asked. “You know them?!” Bane exclaimed, suddenly interested. We never catch another glimpse of Bane’s grudge with Cosmo and Nova. (36) Bane smirked. “Let’s go kill some children!” “Sounds GREAT.” Nolan and Dani exchanged smirks. At this point, we’re just over-emphasizing those two’s psychotic natures. (37) “You see,” Eggman began, “if small animals like your hamsters were trained enough, they could be used to power machines from the inside, rather than just use a fuel that could cause pollution or stuff like that.” “Hm…well, it sounds like a nice idea.” Yes, Hoagie, because YOU use hamsters for the same purpose! (38) '' '' Also, we never see hamsters again after this story! (39) “I have a splinter!” Dib exclaimed, holding up his right index finger, which had a tiny splinter in it. Kami just stared disbelievingly at the large-headed boy. “You’re kidding, right?” “Hey! This is more painful than it looks!” Kami sighed. “Pay up.” she said, holding her hand out. So, Dib, enjoying the KND so far? Where everyone is a dick to you? (40) Chad faced Danika as she recovered and held up her daggers. “Well, if it isn’t everyone’s favorite blonde teen idol.” Danika said, a tone of disgust in her voice. “If it isn’t the goth freakazoid.” Chad said smugly. If those weren’t the WORST insults I have EVER heard! (41) “I’d sooner be decommissioned than join a bunch of villainous freaks.” Which you… already did? (42) “How sad. You know, Nolan, when you first joined the KND, I thought you would be different. I thought you would be THAT operative. But I guess I was wrong.” “Well, we’re not all Numbuh 1.” Given that Chad felt that way about Nolan, it makes both of them look less special. (43) “Pfft. Like I’d wanna have freaky powers like my sister. She was always the lucky one; why’d everything go HER way?” Is THAT why Chad is so angry about… whatever this is about? ? This one scene alone is earning too many sins to count. (44,000) Can.. you feel… the LOVE… tonight? '' ''The peace the EVENING briiinngs? The world for once… in PERRRFECT… harmony With all… its liiiving thiiiings… '' '' After royally getting their butts kicked three times, it’s great that Nolan and Dani have time for stupid romance. (45) At the top of the cliff, Monsieur Mallah looked down at the teenage girl with anger and disgust as he turned and walked away. Why is Mallah trying to kill Emily? Because she’s protecting Nova? But how did he know they would come to Planet Pokémon? (46) Cosmo and Nova looked closely to see the apes were beating up Luvbi. Nova gulped and said, “Uh…I don’t think those are just for show.” Three questions: Why is Luvbi here, what are Gnaa’s apes doing here, and why are they attacking Luvbi? (47) The Brain rolled over to April as she looked up. “Good work, my dear. Your powers over the mind prove useful. You will be a helpful ally in our ranks. Will you serve?” “Y…Yeah.” She panted. “But I just want one thing.” “What’s that?” She stood up with a fierce look. “To destroy Chad Dickson.” April Dickson is literally the most irrelevant character in this series. She becomes Nolan and Danika’s friend, but she does no worthwhile thing in the future except give birth to Marcus. (48) “Brothers and sisters of Wooddom!” Plank exclaimed to his army of wood. “Now is when we march to the Brotherhood Base and take what is ours! With the 2x4 technology we’ve stolen from the treehouses, we should be an imposing force upon them. We will be even stronger than Animal Farm!” Do you mind if I point out the hundreds of cons about this plan? (49) “Master: I’ve brought the worm.” Gaul held up a frightened Rumpel Stiltskin, dropping him to the floor with a thud. “So, this is the one who dares mock me on the Internet.” You get less and less menacing the more I see you, Lord Gnaa. (50) He pulled out his picture of Morgan and looked at it. “And it all began with her. Oh, why did I have to fall in love with this child?” '' '' I guess you don’t give two shits how creepy that sounded. (51) At this time, Molly Abrams and the Glam Clan were calmly walking down a hall, talking to each other. “I can’t wait for the Villains’ Talent Show!” Molly exclaimed. “And with our good looks and superior charm, there’s no way we can lose.” Wendy Chang said cockily. “Nothing can go wrong now!” Aby exclaimed excitedly. Except for your own creator to completely and utterly forget you. (52) At that instant, the mysterious girl leaped out from behind a rock and started shooting off the Planks. “NOO! Who are you?!” “Charlotte!” Paddy exclaimed, recognizing the girl. “Looks like I’m just in time.” Charlotte smirked. Just like every other randomly-introduced character in this arc! (53) “Come on, you fools, she’s just one human!” Plank yelled. And you’re a bunch of pieces of wood with little mobility and trying to invade a fortress! (54) They all immediately turned their attention to Johnny and Plank, who blew the walls down and marched in with the army, along with several 2x4 W.A.T.C.H.B.O.T.S.. Johnny held Plank up on his mop staff as he spoke. “What TERRIBLE construction…” Plank said quietly. Plank actually succeeds in breaking in there. (55) “AHHH!” they screamed at the sight of Marine the Raccoon making out with Elijah Frantic. When did these two have time to get romantically involved? (56) Ganon thought for a moment, then sighed as he pulled out his keys and gave them to Zant. “Take my car. Meet us back at Gnaa’s base. And try not to get it scratched.” With that, the demon thief boarded the rocket right when it took off. Why does Ganon have a car? (57) “I don’t know. But by the end of this… Corey and Dillon will be avenged.” Nolan promised. Irony. (58) Nightmare Series 2 Jar Jar’s annoying and none of the nightmares are interesting. SKIP! (59) '' '' Elijah’s Story The most uninteresting member of the Toxic Four gets a pointless backstory! (60) '' '' Sin Total: 60 '' '' Sentence: TRYING TO CAPTURE KAMI Category:Blog posts